"I Can't Breathe"

I had a moment with my 10 year old son the other night that was most profound.  It was about 10:30 pm and I was downstairs all alone, taking in the days news.  My son came down to tell me goodnight at the same time the footage of George Floyd's murder flashed across the screen.  I watched him looking at the television and wondered what was going through his mind.  I wondered if the footage and the news that followed registered to him or was he just worried about the next episode of his favourite anime?  Was he disturbed?  Did it scare him?  Was his little mind formulating uncomfortable questions that I had to prepare myself to answer?  Finally he looked at me and asked "Mommy, what were the police thinking?", his shoulders shrugging with that familiar annoyed look on his face when he feels like foolishness is afoot.  I know this look well.  It came across as a rhetorical question however, I responded, "I have absolutely no idea my love, but whatever they were thinking went on for almost 9 minutes."  

Just then it came to me to set the timer on my phone for 9 minutes.  I showed him the timer and he sat down with me and continued to watch the news.  The stories switched from a young girl struggling with online learning, to the weather, to protest events.  Just then, he looked at me and asked how much time was left.  Only 2 minutes had passed.  Commercial after commercial after commercial.  We laughed in between commercials, we talked about what he wanted for his breakfast and how he couldn't wait for online school to be over.  Suddenly he put his hands around his neck and looked at me..... "Still?" he asked with that annoyed look.  I showed him my phone which was at the 4 minutes 45 seconds mark (just over 4 minutes had passed).  We had more time to go.  Throughout the various news stories, commercials and channel changes, there were moments of silence where he looked at me and I responded to that look by saying "still kneeling!"  He would shake his head and exhale at these junctures.  At one point when we were sitting in silence a wave of emotion hit me and I had to fight back tears.  It dawned on me just how long 8 minutes and 46 seconds really was.  I turned my head to hide the change in my eyes.  The timer reached 8 minutes and 30 seconds.  "Come on now Mommy!" he said "Dis no mek no sense!" (This makes no sense!).  The timer finally expired after 9 minutes and let out an annoying beep.  I asked him immediately what he thought.  His reply: "The world has some seriously messed up people Mommy.  I think I would be dead after 2 minutes."  He asked if he could call his sister who is going to school in one of those big cities.  He wanted to tell her to be careful and stay inside.  

We didn't have much of a conversation after that.  He asked for a hug, told me not to forget to put cinnamon in his pancakes and that he loved me.  This conversation will continue.